


The Persons We Were

by hesychasm (Jintian)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-30
Updated: 2004-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-29 20:36:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jintian/pseuds/hesychasm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And suddenly life was different."  Post-Book 5.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Persons We Were

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, the Spring Equinox and Easter Sunday occur in the same Hogwarts holiday week.
> 
> I wrote this pretty much because of cordelia_v, who floated the original idea and gave it an early inspection. Later, Kestrelsan did not let the sex distract her from turning out Lupin's pockets. Also, sophiahelix talked me into s's. Muchas gracias, mis tres amigas.

Severus stayed at home during the memorial service for Sirius Black. He had, in fact, torn up the invitation and tossed the pieces into his fireplace. The heavy parchment had taken a moment to catch, as if hesitating, but eventually the pieces succumbed into orange-edged ash, the ink disappearing into the discoloration like a secret.

Dumbledore, of course, dropped strongly worded hints that he should attend. Mindful that the Headmaster might no longer put up with old animosities, Severus held his tongue and made no indication whether or not he would go.

On the evening itself, he sat before the fire and flipped through his new _Catalogue of Effective and Potent Alchemical Substitutes_. He did not look up when the clock struck the witching hour, the time when the service was to have been concluded. In fact, he did not look up from his reading until well past three o'clock in the morning.

After that, the summer was mostly uneventful.

Mostly.

*

He could tell when Lupin opened the door that he was late. He knew it already, but Lupin's sunken eyes, the skin around them thin as a dragonfly wing, struck him like a silent accusation.

Lupin touched his wrist with bony fingers -- Severus just managed to resist recoiling -- and drew him inside. "It's good to see you," Lupin said, as if he were merely there on a social call. "Come in and have some tea."

Crossing the threshold made Severus shiver. He felt that the air changed, that he was stepping through a door pointed the wrong way in time. It was a hundred, a thousand times more acute than returning to his own family manse: that feeling of being propelled backward along a dying lineage, starting from the present where he marked the last of his blood, tracing the pulse back through prideful cold-hearted history, the dead who never give up.

"It's, ah, getting near moonrise." Lupin said when they reached the kitchen. "I should take it now, don't you think?"

Severus reached into his robe and drew out the vials of Wolfsbane Potion. "These should be enough for the current cycle." He watched as Lupin poured the tea with hands that trembled just a bit toward the end, and narrowed his eyes as he studied the rest of Lupin's stooped frame. "Have you been eating regularly?"

Lupin passed him the teacup. "I'm fine, Severus. Thanks for this -- I appreciate it, as always." He picked up one of the vials, uncorked it, and knocked half of it back with one swallow. The aftermath was not pretty: Lupin's already ashen complexion turned green, and his too-bright eyes reddened and teared up as he coughed.

"Have you been sleeping?" Severus asked.

"I didn't know you cared." Lupin gave him a tiny smile. "But really, I'm all right."

"It's none of my concern. But the members of the Order depend on you. Dumbledore --"

"What makes you think I'm troubling that dependence?" Lupin's voice was calm -- not so much an interruption as a quiet substitution of his own voice for Severus's. "And Dumbledore knows he can speak to me himself."

"You look as though you're half a step from death's door," Severus said flatly.

Still that tiny smile lingered about Lupin's mouth, though it didn't reach his eyes. "You were missed at the memorial," he said.

"Don't change the subject. At any rate I doubt my absence was remarked with anything but relief from all parties."

"He would have wanted you to be there," Lupin said quietly.

Scowling, Snape said, "On this one thing I might safely say I knew Black better than you -- he would have picked me up and thrown me out wandless if he could."

"He wouldn't have admitted it," Lupin continued, "but he would have wanted anyone who touched his life in some way to be present."

"He always did relish being the center of attention."

Lupin snorted and moved to refresh their tea. He really did look ill. He had never been a wildly healthy looking person, but even as a boy he had always seemed to have an inner resilience, as if he were made of some substance that only needed burnishing to show its strength. Now even that quality felt diminished.

He was in mourning, Severus realized. In mourning, and alone in this godforsaken house. It was still the headquarters for the Order, but no one besides Lupin actually _lived_ in it.

Lupin set the teapot down and looked up, catching Severus's scrutiny. His expression was perfectly pleasant, but his eyes remained guarded.

"When does Potter arrive?" Severus asked.

"Not until after his birthday. Dumbledore's worked out the dates to maximize his relatives' protection. Though I suspect Harry will elect to spend the rest of his holiday with the Weasleys." Molly Weasley had decided to sequester her children in the safety of the Burrow after the youngest boy was injured in the Department of Mysteries. Had decided quite loudly, as Severus's eardrums recalled.

He said to Lupin, "Surprising, that Potter isn't straining to be in the thick of things here."

"You might have noticed there isn't much 'thick' to speak of," Lupin said. "At least, not beyond the regular meetings and status reports. Voldemort seems to be lying low after the Ministry attack." Lupin cleared his throat. "Anyway, I don't think Harry would have fond memories of this house."

"Hmm." Severus felt his hands wanting to twitch, and crossed his arms to hold them still.

"He left Harry this house, you know," Lupin went on. He was smoothing his fingers along the worn surface of the table, his eyes downcast. "Sirius did. I offered to leave, but Harry told me I should stay." Lupin didn't say the rest, but Severus knew what he was thinking: he didn't actually have a better place to go.

"Hmm," he said again.

Lupin straightened. "I appreciate you bringing the potion," he said. "I don't mean to keep you. I'm sure you must be extremely busy."

For some reason, Severus felt reluctant to go. As he let Lupin show him out, it seemed that the house grew closer around them, like a hand clutching at Lupin while Severus escaped through the fingers. "Call through the Floo if you need anything," Severus heard himself saying. "Tomorrow, I mean. After --"

"Of course," Lupin said. "Thank you, Severus."

He opened the front door and Severus stepped out. The day had turned to dusk, but the air felt like a breath of morning after being inside that house. Severus inhaled deeply. He turned in time to see Lupin disappear behind the closing door. Then it shut, and Severus was alone on the steps.

*

He was not as busy as Lupin seemed to think. Hogwarts was just at the beginning of the summer holiday, a time for relaxing the stringent schedule of the regular school term. Severus had his duties for the Order, a regular round of potions to brew, and the usual research project for personal curiosity. There was also the constant threat of being summoned through the Mark, but as Lupin had said, the Dark Lord appeared to be lying low. On the whole, Severus was quite unoccupied.

It was a problem. His thoughts wandered, snagged on things, tangled him in distractions. He found that the most routine procedures of his day would send his mind circling back to his visit at the Black house. He would decant a potion and think of Lupin's trembling hands on the teapot. Or he would sit writing at his desk and picture Lupin shutting the front door, the last sight of him one ragged-clothed, sharp-boned shoulder.

It was a problem. Severus had said that Lupin's health was not a matter for his concern, and he had meant it. If they had been different people, with different histories, there might have been some reason or point of connection to spark a care in Severus -- but they were who they were. Too much had happened since they were schoolboys, too much knowledge of character and background and acquaintances had been acquired. Lupin was a werewolf, a beast. He had nearly killed Severus when they were in school. He was a Gryffindor, and not even a pureblood at that. He had been the lover of Sirius Black.

They were fighting on the same side of a war, but Severus had learned long ago how little that meant between persons separated by such differences.

Still, he found himself watching Lupin during the next meeting at headquarters. Light brown hair, parts of it glinting silver when even Severus's remained completely black. Haggard face. Stooped shoulders. Occasionally Lupin had to clear his voice before speaking, as if he had damaged his throat with smoke.

His hands, as they gestured, looked like birds slowed in flight. People listened when he spoke, captured by the kindness of his eyes.

Severus had no use for kindness. He glowered from his seat at the end of the table, and looked away quickly when Lupin glanced up and met his gaze.

*

In August Severus took Lupin the Wolfsbane Potion again. He arrived just as Kingsley Shacklebolt was leaving. "See that he eats something, will you?" Shacklebolt said, inclining his head toward Lupin.

Snape grimaced, on the point of telling Shacklebolt that if Lupin wanted to starve, he should be allowed to starve, but the other wizard had slipped out of the kitchen already.

Lupin didn't look much better than the last time -- worse, in fact. He seemed distracted, unfocused. The scars crossing his face stood out in stark relief. His robes were more tattered than ever, billowing about his thin frame with a disturbing amount of freedom. Severus edged carefully around him to sit at the table, half sure an accidental brush would send him into a dead faint.

They sipped their tea in silence. The Wolfsbane Potion sat smoking between them.

"Have you even left the house all summer?" Severus asked, before he could stop himself.

Lupin grimaced. "The Molly Weasley routine doesn't become you, Severus."

"Answer the question."

"Yes, in fact, I have. We escorted Harry to the Weasleys' just last week."

"So he elected selfish pleasure after all."

"Hardly." Lupin's eyebrows raised, signs of animation finally reaching his face. "You shouldn't begrudge Harry what small happiness he can find, after all he's been through."

"His happiness lies in troublemaking without responsibility. Playing about with that ragtag brood is the last thing he ought to be doing now, yet mark my words, as soon as he arrives at school he will demand a part in everything --"

"I daresay Harry knows nothing but responsibility these days," Lupin said mildly. "And I can't work out whether you want him with us or out of our way. If he's such a bother, why desire his presence?"

Severus bit his tongue.

An oppressive silence fell on the table. Suddenly, Severus felt the full extent of the emptiness and loneliness of the house. It sapped his energy, seeing Lupin like this. It wasn't...right, somehow, that they should be here in the kitchen of Sirius Black's decrepit family home. It was a situation alien to anything Severus had ever imagined. He remembered his ambitions as a young boy, visions of glory at the side of the Dark Lord, the way he would show all of them, Sirius Black and James Potter and Lily Evans, their laughing contemptuous faces....

And now they were dead, and he and Lupin were sitting at a rickety kitchen table with their tea cooling in their cups. So much waste and ruin left behind them.

Except that unlike himself, of course, Lupin had never desired or tried to achieve such results.

"It's his birthday," Lupin said, interrupting the silence. "Not Harry's, I mean -- Sirius's birthday."

Surprised, Severus realized: "The dog days of summer."

"Yes." Lupin's smile was a ghost of the real thing. "We all celebrated it together one year, at James's house. I never actually visited _here_ until Sirius returned."

Severus hesitated. "I did, once."

"When?"

"I was part of the convoy that escorted Regulus Black to his initiation." He spoke plainly, though inwardly he was surprised to be revealing this now, surprised at the person to whom he was revealing it.

"Did Sirius know?"

"I doubt it." Severus shrugged. "I certainly never told him."

"They hardly ever spoke to each other in school," Lupin mused. "Mutually ashamed of each other, I think. But when Regulus died..." He paused, caught in the memory.

Severus answered the unspoken question. "I was not part of that. Though it did warn me to proceed with caution when I later went to Dumbledore."

He could see that Lupin was fully alert now, his earlier haze gone. He waited for the questions to begin -- the door was more or less open now -- but Lupin said only, "I imagine it would have." His voice was soft, a gentling note in it as though Severus needed calming.

He looked down, surprised to see that the teacup in his hand was trembling. He set it down in its saucer with a clatter. "I should get back," he said. "The school term approaches, preparations need to be --"

"Of course," Lupin said. "Thank you, Severus." He rose.

"I can show myself out." Without giving Lupin a chance to reply, Severus hurried up the stairs.

*

The students returned for the term, and Severus found himself thrust into work again: classes, patrols, staff meetings, Occlumency. Neither he nor Potter had, unfortunately, been able to dissuade Dumbledore from re-teaming them for lessons. It was just as well, Severus supposed. The Headmaster was so busy these days he was barely in the castle anymore, and no one else had the skill to teach the boy.

He ignored Potter's fury during their sessions as best he could, deducting points for insolence and later, taking more on his Potions assignments whenever there had been an especially obnoxious encounter. Potter's anger made him sloppy at first, so that Severus penetrated past his mental shields again and again. He was also able to throw his defenses up faster, but still couldn't keep them up permanently. His emotions lived too close to the surface; he was always ready to fly off the handle, always on the brink of blowing his armor open.

Still, it was imperative Potter be taught _something_. Severus stopped him just before he left their latest session. "A warning," he said. "I will no longer be confining our lessons to this room."

Potter paused on the threshold, green eyes narrowing. "What?"

"I suspect the only way you will ever learn to keep your defenses up is if I give you reason to do so." Severus suppressed a smile, watching Potter absorb this. "Therefore, consider yourself fair game for attack at any time, any place."

"You can't do that!" Potter exploded. "People will find out!"

"Foolish boy. I have far more reason than you to keep your training secret. Don't underestimate my ability to escape prying eyes."

Now Potter looked worried. "So I won't know when you're about to strike."

"Precisely." Severus let the smile spread over his lips, enjoying the apprehension on Potter's face.

He let Potter twist in the wind for the next couple of weeks, noting how he was finally coming to each Potions class and Occlumency session with his defenses ready. There was no doubt, of course, that Potter let them slip when he was not in Severus's sight. He was too trusting by far -- the only enemy in Potter's eyes was Severus himself, never mind who might be lurking in the shadows.

It was good that Weasley and Granger knew about the training, because they were rarely far from Potter's side. Severus caught the trio coming out of one of the first floor bathrooms late one night, dangerously close to curfew. All three had equally guilty looks on their faces.

He didn't hesitate. " _Legilimens!_ "

"Harry!" Severus heard Granger cry, just before he slipped into Potter's mind.

Potter resisted, but he was always weakest when taken by surprise. Severus penetrated quickly, deeply, the layers of Potter's slapdash defenses parting before his attack. He went straight for the secret they were obviously keeping.

He understood immediately what the three of them had been doing in the bathroom, what they had been working on since late summer.

Severus pulled out. "You three, come with me," he barked.

He led them to Dumbledore's office, where the Headmaster was just stepping out of the fireplace.

"Tell Professor Dumbledore what you've been doing," Severus seethed.

Potter and Weasley had identical mulish expressions on their faces, but Granger, predictably, gave a resigned huff. "He'll get it out of us eventually," she said to them. "We might as well come clean."

Potter glared first at her, then at Severus. His gaze, when it settled on Dumbledore's, was defiant. "We're bringing Sirius back."

The Headmaster looked as disappointed as Severus had ever seen him, barring a confession of Death Eater membership. "Harry, you know that is impossible."

Granger opened her mouth to protest, but the Headmaster held up a hand.

"And if you were to succeed, it would also be a violation of quite a few wizarding laws, ethical codes, and rules of nature. You will cease and desist your efforts _immediately_."

The command in his voice quelled any further argument from the three students. Granger's eyes filled with tears.

A nasty suspicion awoke in Severus's mind. "Did someone encourage you?" he asked. "Perhaps Lu --"

"No!" Potter snapped. "It was all my doing. No adults were involved." He addressed himself to Dumbledore. "Ron and Hermione didn't want to, Professor. I pushed them into it."

The other two piped up at that, but fell silent when the Headmaster raised his hand again. "You are sixth years," he said. His eyes bespoke infinite sadness. "Prefects entrusted with the care and discipline of your younger housemates. Whether this was Mr. Potter's idea or not, your decision to help him was a grave error in judgment. I am sorry, but I must suspend your prefect privileges --" Granger gasped, "-- until you have demonstrated you are worthy of them again. In addition, one hundred points each from Gryffindor."

Potter started. "But Profess --"

"As for you, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore sighed. "I think that you and I need to speak alone."

Severus bristled. He knew what the Headmaster would do -- or rather, not do. The favoritism the boy received! Coddling and comforting when he should be expelled and stripped of his wand. "Headmaster --" Severus began.

"Thank you, Professor Snape. That will be all." Dumbledore's voice was firm. "Please escort Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley back to Gryffindor Tower."

Merlin's beard! Blood boiling, Severus whipped round and thundered down the spiral stair. It was all he could do not to fling the paintings from the walls as he stalked through the corridors with Granger and Weasley in tow.

He was still in a foul mood the next day, and took it out on his classes so viciously that even the usual note-passing behind his back did not occur. The Gryffindors were lucky they didn't have Potions until later in the week.

But classroom tyranny was such a petty, useless outlet. Severus collapsed in his chair after the last group left, feeling the anger inside him shift and trace its usual path to self-loathing.

A knock came at the door.

"I'm occupied," Severus snapped.

He supposed it was no surprise to see Lupin enter anyway. Predictable that Dumbledore would have called Potter's next biggest mollycoddler to discuss his recent misadventure. Indeed, Lupin was already saying, "I've just come from seeing Harry. Thought I would stop in and talk to you for a bit."

"I don't wish to talk." Severus stood and made a show of collecting papers together on his desk.

"That's all right," Lupin said lightly. "I didn't so much want _you_ to do the talking, you see."

He was using a cane. It clicked on the stone floor as he came forward, and despite himself Severus asked, "Are you injured?"

"No, no, it just helps with walking. No need to worry."

"I wasn't."

Lupin eased himself onto a stool, leaning his elbows on a tabletop. "Albus said you were the one who found out about Harry."

Severus exploded. "Pure selfishness. Potter is a blind idiot with no regard at all for the consequences of his actions. No idea what forces he might have unleashed --"

"And I agree with you," Lupin said. "But try to understand where the urge came from --"

"Yes, I'm sure you were secretly hoping he would succeed," Severus said nastily.

Lupin's eyes flashed. "Hardly. But Harry's just a boy. He didn't grow up in the wizarding world. He knows far less of the consequences of magic than you or me."

"Nor is he likely to learn them, with everyone constantly excusing his actions."

"And how would you have him learn, Severus? Put him out on the streets? Beat him? Don't forget, you made grave mistakes of your own when you were only slightly older --"

"And I paid for them," Severus ground out. "I am paying for them still. Not all of us can be so innocent as you."

"Oh, would you let go of your damned crosses for _once_ , Severus! Not all of us are lesser beings because we have less to atone for!"

Severus slammed the pile of papers onto his desk. "Get out of here."

"Severus --"

" _Get out_."

He let his gaze bore into Lupin's, channeling his anger across the distance that separated them, willing Lupin to break down first. Finally, Lupin shook his head. "I'm sorry if I've offended." He stood. "I assure you, I have only ever thought that you -- well. I'm sorry, Severus."

Severus bent and swept his papers back together, trying not to hear the sound of Lupin shuffling out of the classroom.

*

He was not alone with Lupin again until winter. Dumbledore had started Potter on a weekly course of defensive magic with him -- privately, Severus kept waiting to hear that the practice sessions had landed Lupin in St. Mungo's -- most likely with the additional components of grief counseling and pampering. As a result, Severus had taken to sending the Wolfsbane Potion through Potter whenever a full moon approached.

Order meetings, of course, were loud and crowded affairs. Severus took care not to arrive early or leave late, and he was always coolly polite to Lupin whenever they had to speak. He ignored the look in Lupin's eyes, the patient watchfulness as if he was waiting for Severus to do something.

The winter holidays came. Most of the students left except for Potter, who had to stay and continue his training in the safety of the castle. Severus increased their number of sessions for the duration, ignoring Potter's protests and subsequent sullenness.

The night before Christmas Eve, Severus sat reading in his dungeon quarters. The ancient stone of the castle made his rooms freezing in the winter, but he had set a warming charm, stoked the hearth fire to blazing, and wrapped himself in extra robes and blankets.

Still, he found comfort difficult. The quiet of the castle without students disturbed Severus now. The silent shadows put him on edge, the echoes of his footfalls in empty corridors which might mask the sound of an approaching enemy, the feeling of too much open space behind his back. He had been on edge for months -- he was well aware that he had not been called to a meeting with the Dark Lord since before the Department of Mysteries. The next one might come at any time. That, or news of an attack, one that might have been prevented if he'd been called to participate.

Or perhaps something more personal. He lived, of course, under the constant threat that the Dark Lord had discovered he was a spy. Perhaps the psychotic bastard was only biding his time.

"Severus!"

The call came from the fire: Madam Pomfrey's head sat in the flames. "What's happened, Pomfrey?"

"I need more wound-cleaning potion, as quick as you can brew it. And blood-replenishing potion as well -- hurry, Severus!"

An hour later he strode into the Hospital Wing, the potions still smoking in their cauldrons. Pomfrey rushed up to grab them, then hurried back to the bedside of the lone patient in the wing. Dumbledore was already there, looking grave.

Severus had been expecting Potter, truth to tell, or perhaps even Hagrid, considering the frequent scrapes the latter got himself into with various beasts. But no, Hagrid was standing next to Dumbledore, wringing his hands worriedly yet looking perfectly healthy. Severus stepped closer.

The person in the bed was Lupin.

He looked...dead, Severus thought. He was covered in blood. Bone and organ lay exposed in ways that Severus knew were wrong, felt deep in his gut were wrong, but there they were in full view, parts of Lupin meant to be covered by skin. Severus fought down the urge to react -- he didn't know what he might do, but he fought it anyway, holding himself very still and not saying a word as Pomfrey tried to put Lupin back together.

"I sent him to speak with the werewolves," Dumbledore said. His voice sounded creaky, like a rusted hinge. "He left several weeks ago. Hagrid found him tonight on the edge of the Forbidden Forest."

Hagrid gave a great shuddering sob.

"If you're going to --" Pomfrey snapped, but instead of finishing her sentence she went back to what she was doing. Her hands were bloody to her wrists.

Lupin's face was a mass of cuts and bruises, but he was still recognizable. That made it worse, somehow, that it was still so obviously _Lupin_ when the rest of him looked so wrong.

"How could you have let him go on such a mission?" Severus heard himself asking. "Have you not _seen_ him lately?"

Dumbledore didn't answer, but his eyes closed briefly, and he bowed his head.

It took hours. Severus lost count of the number of times he went back to re-brew the potions, but each descent into the dungeon felt like an escape from hell. Eventually Hagrid and Dumbledore left to alert the Order, but Pomfrey kept Severus on duty. Once she even thrust a bowl of bloody water and cloths at him with orders to dispose of it.

Finally, as dawn crept through the windows of the Hospital Wing, she raised her wand over Lupin and muttered, " _Scourgify!_ " All of the blood and mess vanished, leaving Lupin white-skinned and clean, his many wounds hidden under bandages.

Pomfrey swayed, and Severus hurried to support her. "You should rest," he said.

She nodded. "He should be unconscious for some time, but if he wakes _at all_ , you may give him a sleeping draught. I dare not cast a sleep spell on him until he wakes on his own."

He realized she expected him to stay with Lupin. He hesitated. "Understood."

He was exhausted himself. It took all his strength not to crawl into one of the other beds and fall dead asleep. But instead he dragged up one of the hard hospital chairs and draped himself over it, struggling to stay awake as the morning brightened outside the windows.

He must have dozed off anyway. He became conscious of a rasping sound, faint and breathy. Realized his eyes were closed and the sun was an orange warmth on his face, and that his neck hurt because his head had fallen back as he slept. Severus straightened, felt the world tilt the way it was supposed to be, and opened his eyes.

Lupin was struggling to breathe. His mouth was open, his lips chapped and pale. He didn't look to be doing a good job of it -- it sounded as though he was trying to cough at the same time he inhaled.

Severus reached over and put his hand on Lupin's chest. "Lupin," he said. "Easy."

Lupin's eyes opened. "Sev --" Now he was trying to speak and cough and breathe at the same time.

Severus leaned closer. He didn't know how to help Lupin, or how to check if there was something obstructing his air passages, didn't know how to do anything except make shushing noises and speak softly into Lupin's ear: "Easy. Shhh."

Gradually Lupin's chest settled into a rhythm beneath his hand. "Water," Lupin croaked.

Severus scrambled to pour a glass, then held it to Lupin's lips. Most of it dribbled down Lupin's face and neck, but he managed to swallow a bit. "Enough?" Severus whispered.

Lupin nodded. His eyes darted over Severus's face and moved past him to focus on the rest of the Hospital Wing. "Where...?"

"Hogwarts."

"Where...where --" It took Severus a moment to understand that Lupin was not asking a question, but saying something: "Werewolves."

"It was the werewolves who did this to you."

Lupin nodded again. "Must -- tell --"

"I'll get Dumbledore for you."

Severus moved to stand, but Lupin's hand drifted out to touch his wrist. Severus stilled, remembering that day on the doorstep of number twelve, Grimmauld Place. "No," Lupin rasped. "Quicker -- _legili_... _mens_."

"You're not going to bloody _die_ , Lupin -- you can wait for me to bring the Headmaster back."

But Lupin wrapped his skinny fingers around Severus's wrist and didn't let go. "No...must...tell..." He thrashed a bit in the bed, eyes burning with a feverish light. Severus remembered the sleeping draught Pomfrey had advised him to use, and sat down again. He supposed Lupin _would_ be better off sleeping as soon as possible, rather than waiting to speak with Dumbledore.

"All right. I'll try to make it quick." He drew out his wand. It occurred to him he had never tried this on a wizard as injured as Lupin, but he thought obstinately that if Lupin died, he could at least say it hadn't been his idea. " _Legilimens!_ "

He had braced himself for brutality, but the first sight of what the werewolves had done to Lupin almost thrust him back out. It was beyond anything he had seen even as a Death Eater. That violence had mostly been done with wands. The werewolves had done theirs in their beastly forms, bathed in the light of the full moon, the blood black on their teeth and claws.

Severus pushed backward, stumbling away from the gore. He saw them transform as a pack, scarred men in ragged clothes becoming monsters. Saw how Lupin had run with them at first, and how they turned on him as one, as a pack. The memory wrenched into understanding -- he felt what the werewolves were saying with their attack, the message they had written into Lupin's flesh. They said it without words, in snarls and scents and tearing sharpness, pressing into Lupin's mind a communication they had held back from him as men.

Gasping, Severus pulled out. Lupin quickly fell unconscious again, but Severus had understood: the werewolves had joined Voldemort.

He stood and went to Pomfrey's office to Floo the message to Dumbledore. The Headmaster nodded sadly. "I suspected as much when Remus didn't return in good time. It is disappointing, to say the least, that he had to endure all of this for nothing."

"To say the _least_."

"How is he?"

"I don't have a Healer's skills, but it seems Pomfrey did good work. I told her I would stay until she had gotten enough sleep."

"And you?" The Headmaster's eyes were keen.

"No need."

He went back into the ward on shaky legs. The residue of Lupin's werewolf memories was strong: he held his hands up and almost felt surprised to see smooth naked skin instead of fur and claws. Disgust boiled up in him, sudden and poisonous. He stood looking down at Lupin and saw a monster sleeping in his place.

Abruptly, the feeling disappeared. He reached out and put his human hand on Lupin's human chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of it, the too-faint heat pressing into his palm. Without lifting his hand, Severus pulled his chair closer and sat down again.

*

"So you've tried to become Molly Weasley anyway, I see."

Severus glared. "If you would like that restorative draught in your lap, as opposed to in your glass, please do continue."

"That's all right." Lupin attempted to suppress a smile, but failed. "It has more use this way."

"Here," Severus said. He held the glass up again, tilting it so Lupin could drink.

Lupin was making, by all accounts, a remarkable recovery. But then, Pomfrey had filled him to the brim with every possible medicinal potion she could think of, and as Lupin had said cheekily when Severus stopped in after supper, he couldn't very well die on Christmas, could he?

"You just missed Harry, actually," Lupin said. "He went up to Gryffindor Tower to get a chess set or something."

"Pity," Severus drawled.

"I'm glad you dropped by. Poppy said you were a great help with these --" Lupin inclined his head toward the glass, "-- and I did want to thank you personally. So, ah, thank you, Severus."

In response, Severus flicked a piece of lint from his knee.

"And thank you for giving my message to Albus. It wasn't urgent news, not really, but I suppose I was just --"

"Delirious and irrational."

Lupin smiled again. "Yes."

Severus set the restorative draught down. "Couldn't you tell they were lying to you?" he asked.

"The werewolves, you mean?" The smile disappeared. "No. I'm not trained in Legilimency, you know. I was careful of them, I suppose, but it would have defeated the purpose of the endeavor to go in with an outright lack of trust."

"It had no purpose to begin with. A first-year could have predicted they would go to Voldemort."

"Perhaps I'm just more hopeful than the average first-year. Werewolves are only dark creatures once a month, after all."

Severus scowled. "Most Death Eaters are not dark creatures, either," he said. "They're merely wizards who wish to change the world."

"Yes. And there are other werewolves who wish for their own changes -- but in a different way. Not all of us are as rebellious as those who live in the Forbidden Forest."

 _Us_. Severus studied the cuts on Lupin's face. Some of them would harden into new scars, crisscrossing the older ones. He saw in his mind the way they had been inflicted: Lupin's werewolf face -- the one Severus had first met as a boy -- overlaid onto his human one, the cuts shifting with the differences in bone structure, fur versus skin. Severus let his gaze wander down the length of Lupin's body, seeing each new cut in its place -- and wondered what other scars were already present.

Severus looked up again and saw that Lupin was watching him, his eyes strangely intent. Inexplicably, Severus felt his cheeks flame.

"I should be going," he said. "If Potter sees me here he'll likely think I'm trying to poison you."

"Must you?" Lupin said, and suddenly there was a note to his voice that made the hair on the back of Severus's neck rise -- but then he cleared his throat. "Ah, that is, I was going to invite you to play chess with us. You could be on my team. I'm not yet strong enough to move the pieces." He grinned, and the moment was gone.

Severus snorted. He pointed at the restorative draught. "I'll bring more of this tomorrow morning. Don't let Potter keep you up when you should be sleeping."

"Yes, mother. And Happy Christmas!" Lupin called.

*

Despite the speedy recovery of his wounds, Lupin took much longer to regain his strength. Really, Severus thought, he hadn't any strength to speak of before the attack. It was as if he were re-accumulating all that he had exhausted in the long months since Sirius Black's death.

It was strange, but as Lupin got better, as he gained weight and lost the pallor that had lately haunted his skin, he began to look more and more like the boy Severus had known when they were students. He had hardened in the years since -- they all had -- and that was still there, too well-earned for Lupin to lose, but perhaps it was the light in his eyes, or the way he would sometimes tease Severus now (even though that had never really happened when they were schoolboys). It was something, at any rate, that made Severus leave the Hospital Wing after each visit with memories of their Hogwarts days reluctantly unearthing themselves in his head.

This was not, of course, altogether pleasant. But much to his surprise, it was at least bearable. The sight of Lupin had always tended to bring out one particular set of memories, the ones Severus had carefully nursed and indulged until they had become the vertebrae of his resentments and grudges. Now it felt as though they were being crowded by other remembrances, and made smaller in comparison.

Take, for instance, the sight of Lupin attempting to walk the length of the Hospital Wing with a cane. He moved slowly, passing through the beams of sunlight from the windows, through the swirling motes of dust, his eyes squinting and un-squinting against the intervals of brightness. Severus thought of the first time he had seen Lupin after the prank their sixth year, coming into the Great Hall at lunch and walking down along the tables to where Severus sat, straight past Sirius Black whose mouth fell open in hurt surprise, moving carefully as if every part of him was in pain.

Finally he had stopped before Severus and said, in his hoarse voice, "I'm sorry, Severus. I am so sorry." He had waited for Severus to say something, to give some acknowledgement, but when Severus only stared at him coldly, Lupin gave him a sad nod and scuffed off to sit at the farthest end of the Gryffindor table from Black.

"Blast this damned thing!"

Lupin threw the cane against the wall -- or attempted to, rather. Instead, it skittered along the floor and clanged into the legs of one of the beds.

Severus went to him. "What --"

"I'm tired of it. I'll walk on my own two feet, thank you." He was panting with the exertion, and sweat beaded his brow.

"Is that such a good --"

"It's a bloody good idea, Severus, now get out of the way." Lupin took a step, swayed forward, and abruptly became dead weight in Severus's arms. "Fuck."

It was actually the first time Severus had ever heard him use the word. "You need more rest," he said stiffly. He was acutely conscious of Lupin's scent, rising up sour and pungent from his body.

"No." Lupin struggled to stand. He said again, "I'm tired of it. Tired of _this_."

"Breaking a few more bones when you fall might slow your escape from here."

"Leave me alone, Severus." Lupin pushed at him, but his hands had lost their allotment of strength for the day and felt like nothing more than wind at Severus's robes.

Wind _inside_ Severus's robes, actually. Severus stood stock still, listening to Lupin's sudden sobs, not quite understanding why Lupin's hands were clenching and unclenching in his shirt.

"I'm tired of missing him," Lupin was saying. "Tired of being in that empty house, that empty bed, tired of not eating because what's the point in it, tired of not sleeping because it's no bloody help, tired of you --" And he must have had some strength left after all, because he lunged up in the middle of the word and captured Severus's mouth in a kiss.

It tasted awful. Stale from old adrenaline, scratchy from dryness and stubble. He leaned his weight into Severus, pressing their mouths together so that Severus could feel the hardness of Lupin's teeth behind his lips. He tried to escape it, and unbalanced them both so that they fell half on and half off one of the beds. Severus felt his back wrench a bit as he finally managed to twist away from Lupin and break free.

They were both panting now. Lupin lay on his side, ashen-faced. "I'm sorry --"

"Shut up," Severus said. His thoughts were whirling. He saw Lupin walking away, back to the Gryffindor table at age sixteen, out of the Potions classroom with his cane, back into the depths of the Black house, thin shoulder disappearing behind the door -- "Fuck," Severus said.

"I'm sor --"

Severus stood with as much grace as he could muster and turned to haul Lupin up again. "I said shut up. Lupin, can't you ever stop _talking_ at me all the time?"

Lupin went quiet. He let Severus hold him up and guide him back to his bed. This time his weight was feather-light.

Severus eased him under the covers, tucking Lupin's awkward angular body between the sheets. He poured a glass of water, made Lupin drink half of it, drank the rest himself. Then he refilled it and placed it on the bedside table. "Don't," Severus said, "ever do that again when you're thinking of him."

Eyes wide, Lupin nodded. "I won't."

*

The New Year came in like a lion, buffeting the castle in wind and swirling snow. Severus decamped his dungeon quarters for the hospital wing exactly seven minutes after midnight, telling himself the entire way that Lupin was sound asleep, that he was dead to the storm outside, that even if he were awake he would likely be surrounded by Potter and Dumbledore and half the Order and that when they all turned to see Severus skulking in the doorway like a --

But when he got to the hospital wing, he found Lupin standing by the window, very much awake.

And very much alone.

He turned as if he had sensed Severus approaching. "I was wondering if you were going to make an appearance."

"I...had some business. I was merely checking to see if you were all right."

"It wasn't Voldemort?"

He heard the worry in Lupin's voice, wondered if it were merely fear of Voldemort or something more personal. Probably the former. "No," he said shortly.

"Ah, that's good," Lupin said. He turned back to the window. "I was just looking at the storm."

Slowly Severus drew closer, his footsteps loud and lonely-sounding in the empty hospital wing, until he stood side by side with Lupin. Despite the warming charms in the castle walls he could feel the cold on his face, like a whisper of frost. The world outside was a dark, blurry, whistling confusion.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Lupin murmured. "Tomorrow morning it'll all be pristine and silent."

"Yes," Severus said. He suppressed a wince at the sudden roughness of his voice.

"The others were here earlier, but I sent them away."

"Did you."

"I wanted to apologize for the other day."

"Really." He kept his eyes fixed on the blizzard. Perhaps there was a pattern in the chaos, something to be discerned in the --

"You were right, of course. And I'm sorry for that. But not for --" Lupin broke off and chuckled a bit. "I seem to always be apologizing to you."

He was keenly aware of how much closer Lupin seemed to be standing now, that Lupin had turned away from the window to face him, and that the intensity of Lupin's gaze was like a torch, slowly firing every nerve in his body alight.

"I don't want to apologize anymore," Lupin said.

"No?"

"No." He stepped closer, edging between Severus and the window. Closer still, their bodies almost touching, leaning in, his breath dancing on Severus's lips.

And then they were kissing. His mouth felt different this time, warm and soft and wet, and Severus could feel the tremble of his breath. They were nearly of a height, and it was almost too easy to move into it, to angle his head to give Lupin better access. Severus parted his lips and immediately Lupin's tongue swept inside. Suddenly the trembling had transferred itself to his own body like a thousand different parts of himself coming awake, and he wrapped his arms around Lupin to hold himself up.

He didn't know how long it lasted. Longer, perhaps, than it had been since the last time he had done this with anyone -- it seemed to go on and on, Lupin's scent surrounding him like a dark forest, his mouth eager and hungry, tasting Severus just as Severus tasted him: heady and potent.

At some point he realized he had pushed Lupin against the window, the cold warring with the fire in his bones, and he stopped and rested his forehead against the glass, panting -- or perhaps it was Lupin panting in his ear, his hands clutching Severus's hips.

"Perhaps we'd better stop," Severus gulped. "You're... still somewhat weak."

"Only somewhat," Lupin said.

Severus pulled himself away. "No, I -- you should rest."

"Severus." Lupin straightened. "If you're afraid of --"

But at that Severus blanched. He turned around and hurried out of the hospital wing, leaving Lupin standing at the window.

*

Dumbledore fashioned a portkey that would take anyone who already knew the location directly to the front step of the Black house. "Not to be shared, of course," he said. "Other than this once."

To Severus's annoyance, Dumbledore had asked him to accompany Lupin on the trip home. Not that anyone believed Lupin was likely to come a cropper if he went by himself, as true to his wishes he had been walking on his own two feet for several days now. But the Headmaster had said, very seriously, "Please, Severus." At that point, of course, there was no choice.

Potter hugged Lupin goodbye, sent a token parting glare at Severus, and stepped back. Then Lupin and Severus touched the portkey together.

It yanked them exactly where it was supposed to, with exactly as much force as a portkey typically had. Severus caught Lupin before he could fall, shifting their weight together so that they landed against the door rather than on the ground. Lupin chuckled and struggled to untangle their limbs.

"We'll have one thing clear," Severus told him as he unlocked and opened the door. "I will not fuck you."

"Thank God for that," Moody said, and the group gathered with him beneath the "Welcome Home" banner snickered.

Severus scowled at them -- fucking Shacklebolt was grinning a mile wide, he'd never hear the end of it.

Lupin just smiled enigmatically.

It took hours to get them all out. It looked as if every adult Weasley in existence were there, Tonks' exuberantly changing appearance made it seem as though she were five different people at once, and Moody's voice boomed to the rafters like a crowd unto himself. They kept clamoring for information about Lupin's progress, surrounding him with eager faces, passing goblet after goblet of wine into his hands as if they hadn't seen him in ages. One could hardly tell they had each come to visit Lupin in the extremely short time he'd been ensconced in the Hospital Wing -- _several_ times each, in fact.

Severus didn't know why he stayed. He wasn't drinking. He wasn't talking to people. Instead he sat at the kitchen table with what he hoped was a thoroughly disdainful look on his face.

Occasionally Lupin would catch his eye and that same mysterious smile would appear. Severus always glared in return.

It took hours, but finally they left. The table was filled with empty goblets and half-empty trays of food, and Molly had stacked covered plates precariously on one corner, enough to feed Lupin for weeks. Severus pulled out his wand and cleaned up the mess while Lupin was upstairs shooing the last of them out of the house.

Why was he still here? He was doing _housework_ , for God's sake!

He turned and saw Lupin watching him from the doorway, leaning against the jamb with an amused, slightly sodden expression. "You really have turned into --"

" _Don't_ say a word," Severus growled.

"Not a peep." The smile was back in full force. "So you won't fuck me?"

"No." Severus moved forward, already hard enough to pound nails, and crushed his mouth to Lupin's.

He opened readily, letting Severus slide his tongue in to taste, and swept his hands along Severus's sides. Severus knocked Lupin's hands away and pushed him harder against the doorjamb, making him gasp into Severus's mouth. He liked that. From the feel of Lupin pressing against his hip, Lupin liked it too.

He threaded his fingers through Lupin's hair, clutching the shape of his skull and pulling his head back so he could tongue Lupin's throat. The stubble along Lupin's jaw scraped Severus's cheek, and his throat rumbled against Severus's mouth when Lupin moaned.

"Fuck," Lupin said, and it excited Severus to hear him use the word, to hear the loss of control in his voice. He slid his hand down, inside the waistband of Lupin's trousers, and curled his fingers around Lupin's cock. "Fuck, _fuck_ ," Lupin said, as if he knew exactly what effect it had.

He thrust into Severus's hand as Severus sucked his neck, shuddering as Severus licked his ear and whispered into it, "Do it, damn you, you want it, you do..."

"Fuck me," Lupin said, moving his hips faster. His cock strained in Severus's hand, hot and hard and Severus could tell how close he was, how ready he was. "You want to fuck me --"

"No," Severus said, and Lupin came with a jagged cry, his hips pistoning, his shoulders pressing hard into the doorjamb. Slick warm fluid pulsed into Severus's palm.

Lupin slumped, panting, held up by the house and by Severus leaning against him, his face buried in Lupin's neck. "Huh," Lupin sighed. Slowly, carefully, Severus extricated his hand from Lupin's trousers, wiping it off on Lupin's robes. He kissed Lupin again, softly this time.

"I have to get back," Severus said when he pulled away. His erection scraped unbearably against the front of his trousers, but he pushed himself off, ignoring the exasperated look on Lupin's face.

*

The next Order meeting was, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how one looked at things, before the next full moon.

Unfortunately, because it gave Severus no time at all to regroup, to return Lupin to the correct boxes he was meant to occupy, to firmly label the encounter in the kitchen a particular thing instead of leaving it open and nebulous as it was. He sat through the meeting in a red haze of lust, barely paying attention to anything anyone said unless it was Lupin speaking, his firm mouth shaping itself around words in a way that sent the blood rushing to Severus's cock.

Again, he waited until they were all gone, ignoring the curious look from Dumbledore, the knowing grins from Tonks and Shacklebolt, ignoring the maelstrom of thoughts and memories in his head in favor of simply waiting in the kitchen for Lupin to come back down.

This time Lupin didn't hang about the doorway. He came fully into the room, wrapped his arms around Severus and, apparently, attempted to give him an orgasm with a kiss.

Severus was still stronger, though. He forced Lupin back until they hit the table, then pushed him down so he lay on top of it, knocking goblets and plates to the floor. "Have you thought about me?" Severus demanded, running his hands up Lupin's thighs. "Me fucking you?"

"Yes," Lupin rasped. "Yes, yes, of course I have, yes."

Severus flicked open the buttons to Lupin's shirt and trousers, laying him bare. His chest and abdomen were, as expected, a mass of scars. Severus looked up and saw him watching with apprehensive eyes. "Do these still hurt?" Severus asked.

Lupin shook his head.

Severus traced his scarred flesh with lips and hands, mapping out where the older ones intersected with the new, making Lupin arch and moan beneath him. He freed Lupin's cock and stroked it until it curved toward Lupin's stomach, then eased it back so he could lick up the hot hard shaft and then engulf it in his mouth.

"Fuck, Severus," Lupin groaned.

He was bigger than Severus remembered men being, bigger than any of the Slytherin boys Severus had sucked off in the dark, different from the Death Eaters he had been forced to suck for the Dark Lord's twisted amusement. He tasted different, musky and sweet, but smooth and hard in Severus's mouth, prompting him to slide down as far as he could, until Lupin's cock touched the back of his throat. He slid back up, dragging his tongue along the underside, his blood thrilling at the sound of Lupin's corresponding moan.

"Yes --"

Severus encircled Lupin's cock with his hand, drawing his foreskin down before wrapping his lips around the head. Lupin's hips thrust up at that, and Severus used his other hand to hold him still.

So smooth, so much _flesh_ , so much more than Severus had been close to in such a long time, and here he was in _control_ , here he could do whatever he wanted.

He inhaled deeply, swallowing Lupin's taste back, the slick of his pre-come, barely aware that he was making noises himself, that pleasure sounds were escaping his throat in time with the frustrated bucking of Lupin's hips.

He lifted his head. "Do you like this? Have you been thinking of me doing this?"

" _Yes_ , Severus --"

He moved his hand from Lupin's cock to cup his balls, then bent his head and sucked Lupin's cock into his mouth again, sliding down the length of it, gratified to hear Lupin gasping. With his other hand he pulled Lupin's trousers the rest of the way off, then spread his legs wider.

He brought his index finger up to collect a bit of moisture from his lips, then massaged it against the pucker of Lupin's arse. Immediately Lupin bucked up, driving his cock further into Severus's mouth.

Severus waited until he stilled, then slid his finger inside.

"Fucking --" Lupin moaned. "Oh, God --"

Severus pushed in further, searching for the right firmness. He felt the tip of his finger hit the spot, just as Lupin gave a full-body shudder. Gently, Severus rubbed, sucking harder on Lupin's cock until his cheeks hollowed out.

After just a few seconds Lupin spasmed, his hips rocketing up so hard only his shoulders were touching the table. His cock pulsed and slick, salty fluid flooded Severus's mouth.

Finally, Lupin subsided. Severus swallowed and touched his forehead to the join of Lupin's thigh, breathing in the residue of his body.

"Will you fuck me now?" Lupin asked, his voice drifting down from further up the table.

"Possibly," Severus said. Really, he thought he might spurt if he touched himself.

Lupin got off the table, then turned and draped himself over it again, his arse exposed. "Then do it," Lupin said. "Stop playing games with me."

Severus didn't need to be told twice. He unfastened his trousers, muttered a lubrication spell, then positioned himself and pushed in.

They groaned in unison. It was an exquisitely tight fit, hot and wet and when Lupin lifted his arse to allow Severus to slide deeper -- "Yesss," Lupin hissed. "More." His hands scrabbled at the table. Their legs rubbed against each other.

Severus thrust once, twice, driving home as hard as he could, the tightness surging higher -- "Unh!" he grunted, as the orgasm smashed through him. He collapsed on top of Lupin, hips still pressing the last of his pleasure in. Lupin's back was sweaty against his mouth, bones apparent beneath the thin layer of muscle.

When he could move again, Severus helped Lupin get fully up onto the table, then climbed up himself. Severus was still mostly clothed. He wrapped his arms around Lupin, trying to cover as much of Lupin's nakedness as he could. He tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to him, and finally Lupin turned in his embrace, planting his mouth against Severus's throat above his shirt collar, and poked his fingers through the spaces between Severus's buttons. He was asleep in seconds.

Severus lay awake for a while, trying to get used to the sensations. Eventually, he drifted off as well.

*

"How is everything between you and Remus?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus kept his face impassive. "Fine, Headmaster."

"He seems to be recovering from his injuries well enough."

No thanks to you, Severus thought.

"And I daresay he is simply looking better overall." Dumbledore sighed, moving to touch one of the instruments on his shelves.

"Perhaps," Severus said.

Dumbledore turned to face him. "You asked if I'd noticed his appearance before sending him on that mission. Of course I did, Severus. But he came to me with the idea -- we had made overtures to other werewolves still living in society, but it was Lupin who wanted to go to the ones in the Forbidden Forest."

Severus was not surprised. "Bloody Gryffindor," he muttered.

"Perhaps I was merely a foolish, hopeful old man," Dumbledore said. "But he had shut himself up in that house for so long --"

"Then why not send him out for a stroll in the _park_?" Severus said. "Letting him go to those monsters was tantamount to assisting in his murder."

Dumbledore merely looked at him. "I have no control over Remus's choices."

"It's entirely due to fortune that he's alive now."

"Not entirely. Remus is stronger than you might realize." The Headmaster fixed him with a look. "Although I imagine you deserve some of the credit as well."

Severus paused, evaluating his expression. It gave away nothing, as usual, and Severus certainly hadn't _felt_ his mind being probed, but suddenly he was sure that Dumbledore knew. He cleared his throat. "I only brewed a few potions."

"Ah," Dumbledore said.

*

Lupin drained the Wolfsbane Potion, coughing raggedly at the end. He smiled at Severus through watery eyes. "Thank you. This one tastes like it was brewed with special care."

"Hardly." Severus snorted.

Lupin put the goblet down, his hand caressing the edge of the table. "The moon isn't scheduled to rise for another five hours. When do you have to get back to the school?"

Severus felt his cock spring awake in his pants. "It's the weekend, so I have quite a lot of time. But what would I do here?"

There was a gleam to Lupin's eyes, hungry and intense. Suddenly his thin features looked quite lupine. It sent a shiver down Severus's back, which he repressed at once, and set his blood racing downward, which he rather encouraged. "You might let me fuck you," Lupin said.

"And why would I do that?"

"Because you want it. Don't you, Severus. I can smell it on you. You can't wait to have my cock inside your arse."

Lupin licked his lips, and suddenly Severus remembered that werewolves' sexual appetites increased prior to their transformations. The knowledge thrilled and disgusted him; the disgust thrilled him as well.

Then they were pressed together, Severus trying to force Lupin back onto the table with his kiss. Lupin scrambled up onto it, his hands busy with their robes and buttons, pulling their trousers off so that Severus could kneel over him on the table. He felt something in his back twinge at the craziness of the position and the hardness of the wood beneath his knees, but the pull of his cock was stronger -- "Hurry," he heard himself whisper as Lupin's hand brushed along his shaft.

Lupin whispered a lubrication spell and moved Severus into position. The angle was odd at first, blind as it was, but then Severus felt Lupin nudging at his hole.

He sank down onto Lupin's cock and let out a guttural groan. The angle _was_ difficult, and it had been years since Severus had let any man fuck him, but sweet Merlin's beard, the _feel_ of it, as if he were full to bursting, as if Lupin were touching every part of him with his cock. He felt Lupin hit just the right place and gasped, and Lupin narrowed his eyes and thrust faster, puffing with exertion.

Knees grinding into the crumbs on the table, the bloody kitchen table _again_ , Lupin leaning up and clutching Severus's shoulder with one hand, bucking his hips to drive harder into Severus's arse, all the while growling out, "Touch yourself, Severus. Look at me. Severus."

Severus looked down into Lupin's fierce eyes, the clench of his jaw and the perspiration sheen on his lip, and fisted himself. He came at once, semen striping Lupin's chest, the orgasm like a thunderclap.

"Ah, God, that's it," Lupin moaned. Severus felt his cock pulse, spurting warm fluid into his arse.

After a few moments, Severus slowly eased himself off.

"We have got to find a more comfortable place to do this," Lupin chuckled. "One of these days this table is going to burst apart beneath us."

Severus allowed a small smile to cross his lips. "You're right," he said, and waited a beat. "I did want that."

Lupin hauled himself up and kissed Severus deeply. "You don't have to stay until tonight," he said. "In fact, I don't think I want you to."

Severus pulled away. He wasn't entirely sure he would have stayed if Lupin had asked, not so close to the transformation, anyway, but --

"But perhaps you could come back in the morning," Lupin said. The gleam in his eyes had eased, replaced by something a bit warmer, a bit more vulnerable.

"All right," Severus said.

*

And suddenly life was different. Suddenly there was an entire new canvas of things, a door opened into a sprawling wing he hadn't known existed. He discovered that hours in a day could be spent exploring Lupin's body, learning the texture of each scar, the pull of muscle, the differing scents and tastes. He knew Lupin's sex sounds, his sleep sounds, the tiny coughs and sniffles he made because of all the dust in the house.

He found that he was relearning his own body. He hadn't noticed himself getting old, not really, but now he saw where he had cut loose, understood infirmities and inflexibilities that had snuck in over the long lonely years. Severus had never been a vain man, and he doubted Lupin cared as long as his cock and hands and mouth still worked, but sometimes he felt self-conscious anyway, pinned and exposed under the bright new light of physical intimacy.

They had told no one, but as with Dumbledore it seemed to be known anyway, at least among the Order members. Severus froze any attempts to talk, however, so they kept their own counsel. He was concerned only about Potter finding out. Their Occlumency sessions were still ongoing, and before every one Severus made sure to use his Pensieve.

Lupin had taken to Flooing to Hogwarts most nights, since Severus had duties as head of Slytherin he couldn't escape. But there was also the underlying awareness that Lupin still lived in Sirius Black's house, and that Severus preferred not to do his fucking in another man's bed.

They had argued about it without once mentioning Black's name. When Severus had finished seething, Lupin said only, "It was my bed as well, you know."

"Come to Hogwarts or don't come to Hogwarts," Severus snapped. "Either way, I won't be doing anything here."

He hung about the Potions dungeon that night, ostensibly brewing so it wouldn't look as though he were actually up waiting. He utterly loathed himself during those slow ticking minutes of the clock, trying not to check the time but doing it anyway, muttering under his breath, "You fool, you damn fool," as he measured out his ingredients.

He set the cauldron to simmer, looked up, and saw Lupin sitting at his desk. His eyes were -- well, Severus didn't want to look at his eyes. He stalked over, hauled Lupin up and turned him round, and fucked him against the blackboard.

Later, climbing into bed, Severus sneezed. "You've chalk dust in your hair," he accused.

"Now how did that happen?" Lupin yawned and rolled Severus over, pulling up the coverlet and draping his legs and arms over Severus's backside.

He was just drifting into sleep when Lupin spoke.

"We did try, after he came back, to start again. To -- I don't know -- recapture. And I suppose, for a while, I believed it might work."

"But?" Severus cursed himself for speaking.

"But things change."

He didn't answer, not knowing quite how to, and eventually Lupin's breathing evened out and spaced into sleep.

These were the changes of life Severus experienced. There were mornings he woke, pressed flesh to flesh against Lupin, and in his initial daze wondered if he was still dreaming. He had woken alone for so long.

But no, Lupin was a solid, heavy warmth beside him, and he didn't disappear when Severus stared, didn't leave when Severus laid on top of him, kissed back when Severus kissed, drowsy and soft but gradually giving more. And his hands, when they reached to clasp Severus closer, moved of their own accord.

*

"Um, Professor?"

He felt Lupin stiffen and slowly remove his hand from inside Severus's robes. Severus kept his eyes shut for one more second, cursing inwardly, then opened them. "Miss Granger."

Her eyes were wide and -- _hurt_ , Severus could have sworn, as if she had somehow been personally wounded by the sight of her Potions professor and her former DADA professor kissing each other goodbye outside the Potions dungeon. She blinked, looking them over. "You...told me to stop by before breakfast."

Merlin's beard -- he had said that, hadn't he? He remembered his surprise when she had told him her summer research project had a Potions component, remembered suppressing a twinge of guilt for fucking Lupin behind her back, behind Potter's back, before shutting it down ruthlessly because, after all, why ought he to care how Potter felt about it?

But he was going to be caring very soon, he could foresee, because there was no way Granger would _not_ be informing Potter about what she had just witnessed.

"Yes. I'll be just a moment." Severus swallowed and stepped back, smoothing his robes down, opening the door to his office for her. He glared as she hesitated. "I haven't got all day, Miss Granger."

She cast one last confused glance at Lupin, who gave her a resigned smile, then swept into Severus's office. He closed the door behind her.

"Damn," Severus breathed.

"It would have come out sooner or later," Lupin said. He sounded casual, but Severus knew him well enough -- so strange, to think he knew _Lupin_ well enough to know anything -- to tell he was watching Severus carefully. "But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to head her off and tell Harry myself."

Severus nodded. Why ought I to care, he thought fiercely. Damned pain in the arse, remembering to put every little thing in the Pensieve.

Lupin waited a beat, his eyes still on Severus's face. "I'll see you tonight?"

Severus nodded again. Lupin turned to go, and -- "Wait," Severus said. He reached out, his hand wrapping behind Lupin's neck, and pulled him close for a kiss. It was sloppy, not at all like the purposeful one the Granger girl had interrupted, full of lips and tongues and teeth.

When they broke apart, Lupin was gasping. "God, I l--"

Something twisted in Severus's chest. Quickly, he kissed Lupin again. "Better go," he said.

Lupin nodded, his eyes searching Severus's face for a heartbeat. Then he strode off down the corridor.

Severus took a moment to compose himself before going into his office. Immediately Granger stood. "Sir, you --"

"Silence, Miss Granger." He felt his Potions Master self fall into place. He crossed his arms and leveled his darkest glare at her. "What you saw a moment ago was, frankly, none of your business. Kindly do not bring it up at any point in future."

"But --"

"If you are here to discuss Potions, please begin. Otherwise, do not waste my time."

She looked like she wanted to speak again. Her expression was almost...bewildered, he thought. Beseeching. But he had no plans to justify his actions to anyone, least of all anyone Potter considered a friend. He held silent as she struggled with herself, making his face and posture as forbidding as possible.

"Miss Granger?"

And then, to his relief, she seemed to come to some sort of inner decision about the matter, and instead began talking about Potions.

*

Potter strode into his office, his face flushed, looking for all the world like his father on a righteous crusade. "So it's true, then? What Remus said?"

Severus moved to sit behind his desk, taking his time. "Yes."

"He said not to ask you questions, but I have one anyway. _Why?_ "

"I will not explain myself to you."

"You _ought_ to explain yourself to me!" Potter yelled. He stepped closer. "You just -- how could you --"

"Insolent little fool." Severus brought his fist crashing down onto the desk. "Not everything that happens in the world has a direct bearing on you."

"You _know_ he and Sirius --"

Severus repeated, "I will not explain myself --"

"You must have done something to --" Severus stood, sending his chair skidding back so it crashed into the wall. Potter stopped, breath heaving, then went on. "I know Remus, he'd never -- he'd _never_ \--"

"You know nothing!"

Potter whipped out his wand, aiming it straight for Severus's face. "I can change that. Can't I?"

"Try it and I'll have you expelled." Severus's voice was cold.

"No, you won't." Potter's chin jutted forward. "Dumbledore would never --"

"Expel you for attacking a professor? Perhaps Dumbledore would _want_ to let you slide, but even his decisions can be overridden. And at any rate," Severus leaned forward, drawing out the words like a drip of poison, " _Dumbledore already knows_."

He watched Potter absorb that, his mouth working. Finally, his face hardened. "You might have them all fooled. But I know you did something to him. I know you did. And I swear to God, one day you'll regret it."

"I'm sure you'll try to make it so."

"Oh," Potter said, his voice a promise, "I'll do more than just _try_."

*

After that, of course, their Occlumency lessons were over. Potter continued defensive magic training with Lupin, but Severus stayed away whenever they were in session, and waited for Lupin to come to him.

They didn't speak about their respective encounters with Potter. Severus refused to think about the implications of that silence. He was quite tired of Potter, actually. Tired of the way everything seemed to circle back to him, the constant excuses Lupin and Dumbledore made, the way the world seemed to upend itself for him -- and now even the way Severus conducted his own life. Potter was the center of everything, and Severus had loathed that fact twenty years ago when it had been an entirely different Potter in his place.

He could still see the boy in Lupin, just as he had begun to before they had fallen into whatever it was they were in, and it still reminded him of things he had long struggled to control. There was so much chaos in his head lately: too many old memories bumping shoulders with new sensations and thoughts, too many forgotten connections he was trying to process and re-forge.

Lupin seemed to know some of what he was thinking, as he always did, though he didn't push, which he never really did either. He simply seemed to be waiting, as usual, and in the meantime he let Severus take him to bed each night, held him until morning, then left so they could begin their separate days.

Neither of them really pushed each other, Severus realized, unless it was a matter of sex.

He thought about that discovery. It felt, in a way, more adult than any other he had ever made.

*

"So, Easter is approaching," Lupin said. His voice sounded quite steady, even though Severus was busily sucking his cock. "A week without school..."

Severus mouthed the slit, letting the salty pre-come spread over his tongue.

"...whatever will we do to fill the time?"

Severus paused and gave Lupin what he hoped was a silencing glare, but Lupin simply beamed down at him, eyes twinkling.

"Actually, I'd asked Harry if he wanted to spend it with me --"

Severus lifted his head, spluttering. "What the bloody hell for? And for the love of Merlin, _don't_ mention that name when I'm in the middle of something like this if you'd like to keep your bits intact."

"Wouldn't you prefer my bits intact?" Lupin grinned. "Anyway, I was only saying that Harry turned me down. He's going to Hermione's, apparently. Either he's trying to get a bit of skirt or he's still angry at me."

It was the first time Lupin had referred to that day. Severus said, uneasily, "I imagine it's a bit of both."

"Yes." Lupin nodded solemnly. "But the flip side of the coin, which I was trying to impart to you, is that we'll have the entire week without needing to sneak about or --"

"I doubt the other staff members would appreciate the particular liberties you'd want to take. I can't imagine what you'd like to do on the tables in the Great Hall."

"Oh, I don't think I was the one who started the penchant for tables." Lupin grinned again.

Severus pulled himself up the bed, lying on top of Lupin so that their cocks rubbed deliciously together. "Fine, you're correct as always. Can we get back to fucking now?"

"By all means."

"Although...since you have such a difficult time staying silent, why don't you try sucking my cock first? I do think I like your mouth better when it's employed that way."

In one deft movement, Lupin rolled them over so that Severus was lying on his back. "Since you ask so nicely...." He slid down.

The best things about Lupin's mouth, when it wasn't talking, were how mobile it was, how he was willing to put it anywhere, do anything with it, how it was as hot as a furnace around Severus, and how he knew just what to do with his tongue. He pushed Severus's legs up, exposing Severus's arsehole to his hot eager mouth, circling the pucker with a maddening spiral before finally thrusting his tongue inside. Severus reached down to stroke himself in time with Lupin's thrusts, letting the sensations build.

Then Lupin swept his tongue from Severus's arsehole, over his balls to the tip of his cock, nudging his hand out of the way as he went. He wrapped his lips around the head, his mouth a wondrous cavern of heat, and bobbed up and down. Tight and wet, bringing Severus to the brink but pausing just before he could finish, again and again, utterly merciless, until finally Severus clasped the back of Lupin's head, held him in place, and fucked Lupin's mouth until he came.

Lupin milked him dry, and without letting Severus go, turned his body around so that his cock hovered above Severus's mouth. Severus sucked him, caressing his hands along Lupin's buttocks, plunging his finger into his arse to play with him there, and within minutes Lupin was thrusting erratically and shooting into Severus's mouth.

"Bloody... _fuck_ ," Lupin groaned, falling off of Severus. His leg narrowly missed hitting Severus's nose, and Severus slapped his arse in retaliation.

"Watch yourself!"

"Well, come down here, then," Lupin said lazily.

Grumbling, Severus did.

*

He heard Dumbledore's voice through the fog of sleep, recognizing the timbre though he couldn't understand the words at first. It was not coming from inside the bedroom, but from Severus's sitting room, drifting through the open doorway.

Severus stretched, felt the coldness of the other side of the bed, and opened his eyes. Firelight flickered from the sitting room. Dumbledore must be talking through the Floo, he realized. And where was Lupin?

A second later he heard Lupin's voice: "I understand."

Severus got out of bed, drew a robe around his naked body, and went into the sitting room where Lupin was kneeling before the fire. He noticed that it was just past two o'clock in the morning. Easter Sunday. Tomorrow the students would return.

"I'll be there momentarily," Lupin said to Dumbledore, who nodded and vanished from the fire.

"What is it?" Severus asked.

Lupin sat back on the floor, not saying anything. He hadn't bothered to put on a robe. Severus crouched down beside him, cupping his hand over Lupin's naked shoulder. The firelight danced over his face, drawing out the shadows in his thin cheeks. His mouth was trembling.

"What is it?"

"I woke an hour ago." Lupin swallowed, started again. "Bad dreams. Came out here and sat by the fire a while. Then..."

"What?" Severus said, stupidly.

"Dumbledore..." Lupin said. His voice had a wondering, disbelieving sound to it. "He's at Grimmauld Place right now. Harry and Hermione and Ron are there. And --"

Severus felt something go through his chest, like a spear striking downward from his collarbone, straight for his heart.

"And Sirius."

"What?"

Lupin raised his eyes to Severus's face. The look in them was -- but Severus didn't want to look at Lupin's eyes, he didn't want to look at anything right now, least of all Lupin, because he knew exactly what Lupin was going to say.

And he suddenly, desperately didn't want Lupin to say it.

But Lupin went on, his voice breaking. "Dumbledore thinks -- he thinks they may have brought Sirius back."

*

Severus stepped out of the fireplace at number twelve, Grimmauld Place and immediately locked eyes with the figure sitting quietly at the kitchen table.

Sirius Black.

"How do we know it's really him?" Severus demanded.

Potter looked up with a savage glare. "It is."

"Severus, please," Dumbledore said, raising a hand.

"Don't tell me to _please_. These children have meddled with the darkest of magics, _if_ they were even truly successful -- Merlin knows what horrors they might have unlocked -- and this, this _thing_ \--" he gestured at the figure, "-- could be any manner of dark creature --"

"He's not a dark creature!" Potter shouted. "It's --"

"It's him," Lupin said softly.

Severus drew himself up, as straight and tall as possible. "Who are you?" he asked the figure. "Are you Sirius Black?"

The man -- wizard -- whatever it was, opened its mouth. "I...don't know."

"He has no memory of himself," Dumbledore said. He sounded exhausted, his voice thin and aged. "But I have examined him with a variety of spells, and as far as I can tell, he is indeed Sirius Black."

"How is this possible?" Severus stared at Dumbledore. He didn't want to look at Lupin, didn't want to see the way Lupin couldn't take his eyes off of the figure -- off of _Black_ , off of _Sirius Black_ \-- or the hateful triumph in Potter's eyes --

"Apparently, they found a spell which made use of the proximity between the Spring Equinox and Easter."

"Powerful days for renewal and rebirth," Severus whispered.

Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Miss Granger was...quite resourceful."

Severus turned toward her, ignoring Potter. "You could not have done it alone."

She lifted her chin. "I found the spell. We used a necromancer in Knockturne Alley to channel the magic itself."

"You _used_ a necromancer? What did you give him?"

"We gave him my blood," Potter said. He had stood up, green eyes flashing a challenge. "He wanted a vial of it, so I gave it to him."

"Oh, God, Harry," Lupin said.

"I did it for you!" Potter shouted. "You wanted him back, I know you did --"

"You shouldn't have done this," Lupin said. "That necromancer could have killed you. He could be using your blood now for Merlin knows what, helping Voldemort or worse --" He shook his head. "Severus is right, you have no idea of the consequences --"

"Don't fucking talk about _Severus_ \--"

"Enough!" Dumbledore shouted. The silence that fell upon the table was deafening. Severus wasn't sure he had ever heard Dumbledore shout in his life. "I understand that this situation is fraught with emotion, but Harry, you must understand how very wrong your actions were, whatever their motivation."

"Fine, we were wrong and anything could have happened," Potter said stubbornly. "But it _worked_."

"You say he has no memories?" Lupin asked Dumbledore.

"I misspoke a bit," Dumbledore said. "I think they are there, but it's as if a veil has covered them, and he cannot see them."

"And what happens once the veil goes away?"

"I do not know."

They all turned to study Black, who appeared a bit frightened by their scrutiny. It was the oddest thing: he looked exactly like the man, his face and hair and clothing were all Sirius Black, but he looked back at them without recognition, and the expression of blank fear he wore was something Severus had never seen.

"You all ought to be stripped of your powers," Severus said coldly. "You have abused them greatly. You stupid, stupid children."

They were silent, then: "I told you I'd make you regret it," Potter said, equally cold. "Didn't I?"

*

Severus sat at the end of the table while Dumbledore questioned the students. He was actively not watching the doorway, through which Lupin had disappeared twenty minutes ago to help Black to bed, leaving without quite meeting Severus's eyes, and he was actively _not_ wondering what else might be happening up there.

"Hermione and Ron bought me a Pensieve for my birthday," Potter was saying. "I used it to hide my memories of what we were working on, so I could learn Occlumency with Snape. That time Snape caught us --"

"Professor Snape, Harry," Dumbledore said, but Potter ignored him.

"-- we hadn't found the spell yet, but we'd spent the night researching. I hadn't gotten a chance yet to use my Pensieve."

"After you punished us," Weasley said miserably, "we were going to stop."

"But I made them keep it up," Harry said. "Hermione found the spell, and then when we found out about Snape and Remus, we knew we had to do it --"

Granger had been sniffling for some time now. She raised watery eyes to Severus's face, and he remembered how he had dismissed her in his office that day, how she had seemed to come to a silent decision before launching into her harmless questions about potions.

He tuned out the rest of the interrogation. He stared at the worn wood surface of the table, where he had fucked Lupin, where Lupin had fucked him. He had never been to Sirius Black's bedroom. He felt them, somewhere upstairs above his head, doing things together that he couldn't see.

Finally, Dumbledore said, "I want you all to Floo back to Hogwarts. I will speak to you of your punishment on Monday."

"But I want to stay with Sirius!" Potter protested.

"No, Harry. You will see him again, but I think you have done enough for one night."

"Why does _he_ get to stay?" Potter indicated Severus with a snarl.

"I need to speak with Professor Snape about our next course of action."

"You want to let _him_ decide what to do with Sirius? He's always wanted him _dead_ \--"

"Harry." Dumbledore's tone was quelling. "I will not let any harm come to your godfather."

When they had gone, Potter still protesting, Severus spoke.

"I won't help you get his memories back."

"I did not ask you to," Dumbledore said quietly.

"Because you want me to decide on it myself. You didn't ask Lupin to go to the Forbidden Forest -- you waited until he wanted to go. You are quite adept at manipulating people, Albus, but you are not invisible when you do it."

"I have done my share of manipulation, yes, but only for what I deemed the correct reasons."

Severus snorted.

"But allowing people to make their own choices," Dumbledore continued, "is hardly manipulation."

"Then I've chosen. I won't do it."

Dumbledore nodded. "Your help is not, of course, necessary. But it would be much appreciated."

Lupin chose that moment to re-enter the kitchen. His face was haggard and drawn, and if it were physically possible for him to have regressed back to his ill appearance during the summer, it seemed he had. "Sirius is asleep," he said, and Severus didn't miss the ease with which Lupin used the name.

"Remus," Dumbledore began, "there may be a way to restore his memories with Legilimency. You know that the subject of the spell sees whatever the spellcaster retrieves. If we are able to pierce beyond the veil, seeing the memories again may restore them to Sirius."

"Of course, Albus. When he wakes, we can try it." _We_ , Lupin said. _When he wakes_...this is where I'll be.

Severus rose. "I'm going to return to the school."

Lupin's expression was pained. "Severus, wait..."

It was impossible to think of parting words that would be adequately cutting or vulnerable or accurate. So Severus threw a handful of Floo powder into the fire, stepped into it, and said simply, "Hogwarts."

*

He was never quite certain what reserves of strength he called upon to get through the next day. His classes, fresh from holiday, chattered incessantly. Accidents were rampant. He ignored Potter completely during the Gryffindor period, willing his hands not to break resolve and whip out his wand or hurl a cauldron at the boy's head. At the end he caught puzzled looks on some of the students' faces, and realized his very restraint was abnormal. As they filed out, he fell heavily into his chair, and it took all of his mental training to keep his mind free from the subsequent rush of emotion.

Dumbledore was missing from the Great Hall during meals. Severus found himself wondering how long it would take to restore a man's entire life of memories to him. Then he clamped down and ruthlessly silenced the thought.

That night he took a sleeping draught, but he woke in the darkness to find a warm body sliding into bed beside him.

"What are you doing here?" Severus whispered.

"I came to be with you." Lupin's arms slipped around Severus. He was naked. He pressed his lips to the corner of Severus's mouth, but Severus pulled away.

"Don't."

"Severus. This is -- complicated, I know, but --"

"Complicated!"

"-- I just don't want you to disappear." Lupin's hands reached for him again, but Severus eluded him.

He moved to light the lamp. He searched Lupin's face in the golden pool of illumination it cast, looking for some sign of -- something, he didn't know what, didn't know how to name it or even approximate it, but _something_ that would make him lean down and meet Lupin's mouth with his own, that would make him promise not to disappear, to wait and not push. But while there were a myriad of things to read in Lupin's face, emotions struggling to express themselves, that something was not there.

"Severus --"

"Go back to your own bed," Severus said wearily. "I need to sleep."

"Don't do this." Lupin reached out one last time, his arms circling fully behind Severus's neck, drawing him down into the warm cradle of his body.

Severus lay still, cursing the arousal he immediately felt, cursing Lupin for coming back, cursing Sirius Black for existing and then not existing and existing again. He let Lupin reach a hand between them to stroke Severus fully awake, his motions sure and familiar. "Stop," Severus whispered, before he could finish. "Don't."

In answer Lupin drew his knees up to give Severus access. "I want you."

I want _you_. But Severus shook his head. "Have you done this with Black?" he demanded, and hated the harshness of his voice.

"Yes," Lupin said simply. His own voice was hoarse and rough.

"Have you done it since --"

"No, Severus. He doesn't remember that."

"But you do."

"It was in the past, Severus --"

He hated the way Lupin kept saying his name. "But you want him to remember."

"I don't know yet," Lupin said. Then, "Yes," he said, his voice breaking on the word.

"I can make him remember." He fumbled on the bedside table for his wand and cast a lubrication spell. Then he pointed the wand at Lupin. "I can make you remember."

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes," Severus said. He didn't know if was lying, but the look in Lupin's eyes, that patient waiting look tinged with hurt and desire and sadness, made him want it. He probed Lupin's arse with his thumb, making him hiss, then grasped himself with one hand and pushed in.

Lupin sighed. "Mmm --"

He still had the wand pointed at Lupin. "What do you want to remember? Think of it." He saw something flicker in Lupin's eyes, involuntarily, how they softened and darkened in response. Before he could stop himself, he cried, " _Legilimens!_ "

What must have been the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. Red and gold colors. Sirius. Young and arrogantly handsome, pleading. "I'm sorry, Moony! I didn't realize --" And Remus. Angry, truly angry, for the first time. "You never do -- you always -- just because you don't like him -- if James hadn't --" Sirius shouting, Remus turning away. Sirius reaching out to draw him back, lunging forward to kiss Remus full on the mouth. Taste of desperation. "I'm sorry, oh, God, forget I did that, I just -- I couldn't bear it if you stopped speaking to me --" And Remus, making a choice. Taking what had always been there, reaching for Sirius, kissing him. On the bed, their bodies young and lithe and firm, neither of them knowing exactly how to --

Lupin moaned, and Severus thrust into him, looking down and seeing his sixteen year old body superimposed on the one he wore now, skinny and sagging and drifting toward middle age. He watched as Sirius and Remus thrust against each other, cock to cock, moaning into each other's mouths --

"Do you remember," Severus gasped. And he remembered: every time he had fucked Lupin, every time Black had fucked Lupin, the first time after his imprisonment, drunk in the run-down shack where Lupin had lived because it was too much, too painful to attempt sober, the last time before they had gone to the Department of Mysteries, facing each other in Sirius's bed --

Severus came, and his hand dropped the wand. The stream of memories shut off as he spasmed into Lupin.

When he could move again, he withdrew and rolled off. He didn't look at Lupin. "Go back to your bed," Severus whispered.

Lupin rose in a rustle of sheets. "Sometimes," he said, "the past is the past."

"Do you really believe that?"

Lupin didn't answer.

Severus extinguished the lamp with cold ruthlessness. "Tomorrow I'll come to help."

He listened as Lupin dressed and left.

It took only a few minutes for the warmth they had created to dissipate.

*

"Remus says I should thank you before you begin," Sirius Black said.

Severus paused and looked at him. There was no sign from Black that he recognized Severus outside of the night he had returned. His tone had been politely curious, as if he didn't know why Lupin had said such a thing.

They were sitting at the kitchen table. Severus took a moment to study Black, seeing the changes in him: the blank bewilderment where Severus remembered fury and contempt, the awkward shyness where Severus remembered overwhelming physicality; the slow and quiet voice where Severus remembered loudly spoken authority. The Sirius Black who Severus had known and loathed for over two decades was emphatically not present.

"Professor Dumbledore told me he had only retrieved your childhood memories."

"Yes, he said he wanted to do it chronologically. It feels...odd to have those without anything else following."

Severus ignored the baffled note in his voice. "I do not have the same precision as Dumbledore. It is likely that the memories I find will be separated by larger gaps in time. However, Dumbledore believes that if we retrieve enough, you will remember the rest on your own."

"I understand." Black took a breath. "I'm ready."

At first Severus saw only the memories Dumbledore had already restored: Sirius's first memory, age three, Bellatrix accidentally spelling shut his mouth to stop him crying, through to the last one, age nine, his mother screeching because Sirius had knocked a portrait from the wall. Behind those memories was the veil, as Dumbledore had said, and behind that was a sea of other memories, faint and indistinct. Severus saw how he might direct the Legilimency to pierce through.

A rip appeared in the veil, and memories came tumbling out. "Slytherin, Slytherin," Sirius whispered to the Sorting Hat, but it put him in Gryffindor and he slunk past the surprised faces of his cousins to sit beside a boy with messy black hair. He knew all of the answers in Transfiguration and Peter said, "Wow, Sirius, _you_ ought to be teaching us!" He looked across at Remus's bed, visibly empty in the moonlight from the window, and couldn't get back to sleep. He knocked that greasy bugger Snape down in the train corridor and sneered, "Happy Christmas, _Snivellus_."

"Stop! Stop!" Black was saying.

Severus pulled out of his mind. "Are the memories restored to you?"

"Yes, yes, I can --" Black grimaced. "It always happens so _fast_. Was that you, in that last one?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. I think. I had the impression it was undeserved." His dark eyes were sincere and horrified and remorseful.

"That particular incident was," Severus said tightly. "It will not be the last such memory."

"I'm getting the impression I wasn't the loveliest child in the nursery," Black mused.

"The majority of us could not lay claim to that title," Severus said stiffly.

"Then I'm sorry for anything to come. I suppose I had better say that early on as well."

Severus hesitated, then gave him a short nod, unsure what might come out of his mouth if he responded. Finally, he said, "Are you ready to begin again?"

Black's mouth twisted in a smile. "In a way, you could say that's what I'm already doing."

*

He did not see Lupin during his sessions with Black. He knew Lupin was in the house somewhere, could feel the prickle of his presence like a hand hovering over his shoulder. But it was only Black he saw each time, sitting alone at the kitchen table -- that damned kitchen table -- waiting calmly for Severus to show him who he had been.

The Order had been dumbfounded at Black's return. Severus sat at the end of the table like a dark shadow, watching Black grow more and more panicked as the various Order members swarmed around him, full of questions and chatter and emotion. "I don't know -- I don't --" Black stammered, "I don't think I --" and looked beseechingly at Dumbledore and Severus and Lupin, the only faces he knew.

Lupin attempted just once to speak to Severus, cornering him when the meeting finally broke up. "Whatever you're thinking is happening or going to happen," he said quietly, "it's not."

"You don't know what I'm thinking."

"I know you."

He was too close, his eyes too intense, and over his shoulder Severus could see Black watching them with innocent curiosity. The entire situation was bizarre and wrong and fucked up and Severus realized he was leaning against the doorjamb where he had first brought Lupin off, on a day that must have been a hundred -- a thousand -- years ago. He looked into Lupin's eyes and saw that Lupin realized it too. He wanted to wipe that remembrance away. He said, nastily, "Perhaps I know you as well. You were happy enough to use me as a warm body, weren't you, until you had the one you really wanted again."

"What do you need?" Lupin said. "A declaration? You never wanted one before. But it's not like a water faucet -- I can't just turn it on or off. I can't just take it all back."

But Severus was acutely conscious of Black watching. He said nothing, did nothing.

"I don't _want_ to take it all back," Lupin said.

"You will," Severus said, and when he saw the flash of uncertainty in Lupin's eyes he felt something tear a little inside his chest.

By the middle of April there were only twenty more years of Black's life to go. They were due now to begin on their sixth year at Hogwarts.

Severus knew what was coming. He could have handed the year over to Dumbledore. Could have simply quit and refused to do anything more. But he stepped out of the kitchen fireplace and sat down across from Black.

"I'm hoping sixth year was a bit more interesting than studying for O.W.L.s," Black joked.

Severus let his lips spread in a thin smile. "You might say that."

"Well, I'm ready whenever you are."

They were both getting better at handling long streams of memories. Severus pierced the veil and let them flow freely.

Sirius hooted in triumph, James beaming and pulling down his collar to show Remus the mouth-shaped bruise on his neck. They transformed and the night became full of sounds and smells and sensations, and all of it belonged to Sirius and his friends. Peter bent over the Map last and etched his name, "Wormtail," looking up at them with shining eyes: "You did it, boys!" but James put his arm around Peter and corrected, " _We_ did it." Sirius drew up short, glaring at Snape: "It's none of your business where he goes, now get lost before I hex off your puny little bollocks." James looked at Sirius in horror as Moony began to snarl: "Oh, God, Padfoot, he's going to kill him!"

Severus could feel Black drawing away, recoiling at the memories, but he pressed onward. The memories crowded around the puncture in the veil, pushing to get free. He removed any restraint on them and they burst through, flooding his mind and swirling around his own memories, hooking into them and drawing them to the surface to mingle with Black's.

Sirius watched as Remus limped toward Snape in the Great Hall --

Severus watched as Remus came toward him -- _I'm sorry Severus I am so sorry_

Sirius barged into their dormitory and locked the door behind him -- _Moony you can't just keep ignoring me_ \--

Severus fucked Lupin as the memory of him fucking Sirius washed through them both --

 _I'm sorry Moony I didn't realize_ \-- _You never do you always just because you don't like him if James hadn't_ \-- and somewhere Sirius found the bollocks to grab Remus and push his mouth against his --

Severus thrust faster, harder, and Lupin moaned -- _I'm sorry oh God forget I did that I just I couldn't bear it if you stopped speaking to me_ \--

He had wanted Remus for so long, and now Remus was _kissing_ him, they were _naked_ , he could feel Remus's _cock_ , and he had no idea what to do but by God he was going to show Remus how much he loved him --

A lancing pain slashed across Severus's chest and he broke the connection, gasping. He looked down at the diagonal cut in his robes and shirt, where blood was just beginning to seep through.

"Bloody...fuck," Black groaned. His head was in his hands, elbows propped on the table.

Severus stumbled up, knocking his chair over with a crash. He noticed his wand rolling toward the table edge and just managed to slam his hand over it before it could fall over. With clumsy, dazed fingers, he pointed the wand at himself and muttered a healing spell.

The wound in his chest sealed up with a flash of warmth.

"Apparently we won't need to replace your wand," Severus said, still catching his breath. "You're damned effective without it."

Black looked up. His eyes were red and teary. "That was -- that was me, and Remus -- and you?"

"What did you see?" Severus asked, but he already knew.

"You and Remus were -- but then Remus and I were -- and you _knew_ about it, you remembered it like --"

Severus nodded, silent.

"Moony..." he whispered. Then Black drew himself up straight, lowering his trembling hands. "This is why you hate me. Isn't it?"

Taken aback, Severus said, "What?"

"I just -- I didn't know why you _hated_ me. Not back then, I mean. It was a horrible, abominable thing I did, but that can't be the only reason you look at me like -- but I asked Remus about it and he just said, perhaps I'd understand later."

Severus took a slow, ragged breath. "This is not why I hate you," he said, then stopped.

"Then why?" Black gave him a beseeching look, turning his hands over to lay palms up on the table.

And it was such a simple question, a simple question from a man who couldn't even understand what he was asking, that Severus realized he suddenly had no idea how to answer it.

He shook his head, staring at Black. How easy it had been for him to discard all of those memories, losing them behind a veil like mere inconveniences. How easy it had been for him to awaken without the weight and drag and burden of resentment and anger and frustration, to let someone else re-pack his entire life for him inside his head, the connections now new and different and, above all, _easy_. When they were finished, even after he had found the missing memories himself, his new innocence and freedom would still be the most recent and vivid thing he could remember.

"It's not because of Lupin," Severus said finally. "Not solely. And he and I -- it's not solely because of you. And anyway I did hate you, but -- I don't. Not now." And oh, what it wrenched out of him, to say that. It made his head spin. He took a breath. "It's just --"

"Yes?"

"We are who we are," Severus finished. "But -- perhaps we are not the persons we were."

*

Their next session was scheduled for two days later, but Severus was somehow not surprised when he stepped out of the fireplace to find Black nowhere in sight. He was surprised, however, to see Lupin in his place.

"We've decided," Lupin said, his voice very clear in the quiet kitchen, "to let Dumbledore take care of the memory retrieval from now on."

 _We've decided_. Severus put a numb hand on the mantelpiece.

"He's begun to remember a few things on his own now. Mostly from his childhood and Hogwarts. Dumbledore says that bodes well."

Severus stood where he was, a storm of indeterminable emotions finally kicking up inside of him. He wanted to...he wanted to do something, take out his wand and let magic pour out of him, break his wand in half and do violence with his own hands, step around the table, push Lupin against it and --

"Severus."

"Wh --" He cleared his throat. "What? I do understand what you're saying."

Lupin made a sound, a sad and bitter sound deep in his throat. "Have you ever understood anything I've said to you? We decided to let Dumbledore do the rest of it because Sirius thought it would be easier for you."

"He did?"

No, he wouldn't push Lupin. They had never pushed each other. Instead he would guide Lupin to his feet and lean in -- slowly, gently -- and press his mouth to his. Lips soft and warm. He would wait patiently for Lupin to relax and open to him, and then he would open Lupin's mouth further with his own. He would stroke his tongue against Lupin's until they both ached with wanting, until they had to hold onto each other to remain standing.

But he couldn't move.

"Severus, please," Lupin said. "You can't -- it can't be this easy for you."

"Easy?" He heard himself laugh.

"I know you don't want to take it all back either."

He didn't have to think about it. "No."

"I can't promise you anything," Lupin said softly. "But you wouldn't let me promise anyway."

His hand clenched harder around the mantelpiece. "Perhaps I _wanted_ you to anyway."

Now it was Lupin's turn to look surprised. "But would you really have been satisfied with that?"

There were far too many questions these days he didn't know how to answer. "Perhaps not," he said. "Perhaps I would have."

"What if I promise to try?"

He didn't answer at first. He was thinking, again, of Lupin walking away, disappearing behind a door, leaving a darkened room.

"Severus?" And there, his voice trembling a bit at the end.

"Perhaps," Severus said. He wanted to say it reluctantly, but halfway through the word he realized the way he really meant it.

He let go of the mantelpiece and stepped forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and constructive criticism welcome.


End file.
